My Journey Through Depression and Infertility

This is a post I have started in my mind many times, but never had the time (or courage) to actually sit down and write. And even though I have composed it in my thoughts, I still don’t know where or how to start. Although the tears don’t seem to have a problem starting up as I begin. But here it goes…

I haven’t fully discussed most of what I will be sharing here with anyone except for my loving and supportive husband and my two fabulous Christian psychotherapists. It is something I am still not comfortable with sharing in person; I can compose my thoughts and emotions a bit better here (I hope).

The Beginning of the Depression
In November 2007, Greg and I sadly went through an experience with a miscarriage. I grieved quite a bit over it, as one would expect, and almost a year later I thought I was done with most of the intense sorrow. But as the anniversary of the miscarriage approached in 2008, I began to experience deep grieving again. I think this was due to several different reasons. The anniversary of our loss, over a year of not being able to conceive again, my normally regular cycle was now often very late, lifting my hopes up each month only to be dashed each time, and the pregnancies of several people close to me. And the loss of a long-held expectation in how my life would be. I had always expected to have my children 2-3 years apart in age, like my siblings and I were, so they could enjoy playing together like I did with my brother and sisters growing up. We are now approaching 4 years, so that expectation is not to be realized.

With each blow, I felt myself slipping further down into a depression. By nature, I am an emotional person, but the number of tears shed were far above normal for me. Bitterness and jealousy also began to creep in as well, and I hated myself for feeling such awful feelings towards others who I love and who have shown me nothing but love, amazing patience and understanding in return.

Greg did his best to understand and has been extremely supportive through everything. He finally suggested that I go see a counselor to help me work through my grief and conflicting emotions. So I did. I called our church for a recommendation and began seeing a Christian couple who are trained to counsel through grief and other issues.

That step has made a huge difference in my life. My counselors began by helping me deal with the grief I was experiencing. They also asked me many difficult questions to help them (and me) nail down exactly what I was feeling and the deeper issues that caused it. And very importantly, they told me that I was okay to feel the way I was feeling. I wasn’t a bad person for questioning God as to why He was allowing this to happen to me, or in my feelings of jealousy, or anything else. This helped ease a bit of the burden. But they also cautioned that I need to continue walking through my grief and my feelings so that I wouldn’t stay stuck there forever, lost in bitterness, or lose my faith. Lots of tears were shed in their office and the emotional toll that took was exhausting, but I also found myself looking forward to the sessions and the subsequent healing that I was so longing for.

Dreading Christmas
One of the ways my depression really took hold of me was my absolute dread of Christmas time. I was invited to attend a Christmas party with my best friend since her husband was out of the country. Kristy was pregnant with her first child. I also knew that I would be seeing my sister-in-law over the holidays and she was pregnant with her second child. Both of these events really gripped me with fear.

I made it through the Christmas party okay, although it was very hard. I did my best to put on a happy face and be excited for Kristy. I think it helped, in part, that this was her first child and I knew deep down that her having a child would strengthen our friendship even more since we would both then have children.

As for the holidays with the family, I was still a mess. Greg and I discussed taking a vacation elsewhere and my psychotherapists were on board for this idea too (with the reminder that I still would have to face my fears eventually, but that if I needed time, then give it time). Eventually though, the guilt hit me and I realized that I really didn’t want to take away Greg and Adrianna’s time with family because I know how important it is to all of us to see our families that we all love so much.

So off to Kansas we went. And here, I just have to say that I have the awesomest in-laws in the whole wide world. Everyone was so patient and loving and I am especially so grateful to my sister-in-law who was so very gracious to me during our time there. Everyone avoided the whole “baby” topic while we were there, and though I felt like a royal heel about that, it really meant a lot and made the whole thing so much easier for me.

After we returned home, I felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I had made it through what I had been greatly fearing. The sadness was still there, but after that week in Kansas, I started noticing that healing was beginning too. I think it is due to the love and graciousness of my family and friends that allowed the bitterness to finally start lifting.

Seeing a Fertility Specialist
Along with my grief counseling, my psychotherapists strongly encouraged me to see a fertility specialist. They knew that the “not knowing” part of why we had a miscarriage and hadn’t gotten pregnant since also had a lot to do with my depression. I was hesitant at first. I had brought up my concerns that we hadn’t gotten pregnant, the fact that with our previous two pregnancies it took awhile to conceive and that my periods weren’t as regular as they were prior to the miscarriage with my regular OB/GYN at my yearly exam, but she pretty much poo-pooed it and said it hadn’t been a year yet (at that time) and to give it time. Not the answer I was looking for. And I was afraid to go to another specialist and get the same answer. But my counselors continued to encourage me to make an appointment, so I finally did.

I chose a doctor in Fort Collins at the recommendation of my sister, who had been to see him before. She said that he was very caring and considerate, which is why I made the decision to go see him even though it would be an hour’s drive to get there.

Our first appointment was at the beginning of February. After filling out a bunch of paperwork, we talked to the doctor about our concerns. The miscarriage, our inability to get pregnant again and how it took awhile to conceive our other pregnancies. I also had a record of all my monthly periods, the number of days late each one had been (anywhere between 2-8 days) and how they had always been a normal 28 day cycle prior to my miscarriage. He also was interested in the fact that I’d had gestational diabetes when pregnant with Adrianna.

Dr. Bachus said he had a hunch as to what could be causing these symptoms (with the exception of the miscarriage which I will discuss more later), and so he gave me an ultrasound right then. Sure enough, his hunch was correct.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
According to the ultrasound, it appears I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It is a hormonal disorder and a leading cause of infertility in women. Womenshealth.gov defines PCOS as this:

Polycystic (pah-lee-SIS-tik) ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. With PCOS, women typically have:

• high levels of androgens (AN-druh-junz). These are sometimes called male hormones, although females also make them.
• missed or irregular periods
• many small cysts (sists) in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.

The site also goes on to say:

Researchers also think insulin could be linked to PCOS. Insulin is a hormone that controls the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body to use or store. For many women with PCOS, their bodies have problems using insulin so that too much insulin is in the body. Excess insulin appears to increase production of androgen. This hormone is made in fat cells, the ovaries, and the adrenal gland. Levels of androgen that are higher than normal can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and problems with ovulation.

Symptoms include:

• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding – CHECK
• infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating –CHECK
• ovarian cysts – CHECK
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist – CHECK (although I do have bad eating habits too, so I know I can’t completely blame this!)
• insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes – CHECK (gestational diabetes)
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area – CHECK (these didn’t appear until my 1st pregnancy)
• anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility – CHECK
• miscarriage – CHECK

The ultrasound also indicated that I wasn’t even ovulating that month, though I should have been during the time of the month that we were there.

Dr. Bachus ordered some blood work for me, and that further confirmed his diagnosis. My LH was very low and my FSH was borderline. I believe both of these are needed to both get pregnant and keep a pregnancy. So I have too many “male” hormones and not nearly enough female ones.

I asked the doctor if these low hormones could have caused my miscarriage, since I had read that as a symptom in several places, including a quote at ovarian-cysts.pcos.com which stated that the rate of miscarriage for someone with PCOS could be as high as 45%. He replied that, at this point, there really is no way of knowing for sure as extensive blood work and testing would have had to been done then and that, being my first miscarriage, this wouldn’t be a normal thing to do nor would insurance usually cover it. But I am thinking there is a very good chance that it is related, because we saw that little heartbeat on the ultrasound on two separate occasions, and it was beating healthy and strong. And not knowing somehow hurts worse than having a “reason” for something happening.

PCOS Treatment
The doctor prescribed clomid as an initial treatment for my low hormones and irregular periods. A blood test a couple weeks later confirmed that my hormone levels were back at a healthy level, so that is encouraging. So far, the side effects have been relatively mild, although the mood swings and hot flashes aren’t a lot of fun. We will stay on this for a few months and then reevaluate our options. Greg is also supposed to have a sample tested…I don’t think he is looking forward to that.

More Support
Also at the encouragement of my counselors, I shared a little of what I was going through with the girls at my MOPS group in February. I am so glad I did. They are such a great, encouraging group of women. And, it turns out, one of them has been dealing with a similar thing. She has a boy only two weeks younger than Adrianna, has PCOS, and has had multiple miscarriages. I felt such a relief to be able to talk to others my age and swap stories and encouragement. And Adrianna and Arick play together so well too. I love when we get together outside of MOPS and the kids play while we all talk.

I also shared some of what I was going through with my neighbor, who had also struggled with infertility and a miscarriage before being blessed with 3 sons. Janette has been a great source of encouragement for me throughout everything.

How I am today
So I suppose I should end this with how I am feeling today. I am glad to say that, for the most part, the depression is gone. The bitterness, the thing that had concerned me the most, is completely gone. The jealousy reoccurs from time to time, but as long as the strong bitterness stays away and I don’t let it control me, I think that is normal. I still have my rough days, but it isn’t so intense or for so long as before.

I was pleased that I was able to visit Kristy and her new baby boy, Jadden, last week and that I was able to stay composed the entire time. I did have a hard time on my way home once I was alone with my thoughts, but mostly I am happy for her. And I am so very thankful that I can think of my new niece’s arrival with excitement now. The twinges of sadness still hit when I hear of or see a new baby or a new pregnancy. And I still cry out to God often at the perceived “unfairness” of it all, especially regarding those who have several children already. I still find myself counting down the months and figuring up how old our second child would be now had I not miscarried. And I feel bad for Adrianna, who really wants a playmate and gets so bored having just Greg and I. (Thankfully she has been enjoying the dogs more lately, and they seem to be helping that some.)

I still have a hard time talking about some of this out loud. And for some reason, it makes me uncomfortable when people reference future children for us, even though I know it is always just to try to encourage me. I don’t know why I feel this way. But overall, I am doing fine. I am remembering to be thankful for all that I have been blessed with. A beautiful and sweet daughter, a loving husband who is also my very best friend, an amazing family, and good friends. For you all, I am grateful.