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Bittersweet Mother’s Day

This year, Mother’s day was both a good and a hard day for me. It started out as a great day up in Wyoming celebrating Cindy’s graduation from UW. I will blog more on that happy event later, as it really was a great weekend with my family.

I had expected that Mother’s day would be difficult for me this year after our miscarriage last fall. But at first it wasn’t, because I started out the weekend thinking there was a possibility that we were expecting another child due to the fact that I was several days *late*. I was trying not to get my hopes up too much, but all weekend I was excitedly thinking on how I could slip away secretly to Walgreens to pick up a test. This hope sustained me and helped me “forget” the loss of our baby a few months ago. But when we got home on Sunday evening, my hopes were dashed by the late proof that I was NOT expecting.

I was feeling a bit under the weather anyways, so now also depressed, I went upstairs to take a late nap. I couldn’t fall asleep though as I was filled with a sadness over my recent disappointment and the realization that had I not miscarried in November, we would only be about 6 weeks away from meeting our second child. And so I wallowed in self-pity for a little bit.

It was during this wallow that the bedroom door opened and, at the prompting of her Daddy (unknowing of my depression at that time), my little girl climbed up into bed with me and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and told me she loved me.  (In between the “Happy Mother’s Day” and prompted “I love you” statements, there was also a glance at Greg as she asked, “Can I have candy now?” that just made it even more endearing.)

After Greg and Adrianna left, I was flooded with the realization that I am truly blessed. I have an amazing and loving husband who I love immensely and we have a sweet, affectionate daughter who is our joy. I am so thankful to have them in my life. So though there is still a bit of sadness and disappointment, the black cloud of depression is gone as I was reminded just how glad I am to have them in my life. They make me proud to be a wife and mother.

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6 Responses

  1. kate says:

    I can’t tell you the hole in your heart will ever go away. I can tell you that the pain eventually does go away. But you don’t forget the child(ren)that you lost. It’s been 16 years and 25 years since my miscarriages…and even though it doesn’t hurt now, I still wonder what those children would have been like.

    And you are right. Concentrate on the great DH you have and the adorable little girl! Before you blink, she will be asking for the car keys!

  2. Grammy says:

    My dear, sweet Amber,
    I have never lost a child through miscarriage–only a grandchild. I am sad about that and your most recent “loss” as well. I have experienced other losses in life and have had my own pity parties. Like you I have suddenly realized all that I do have, which helps keep things in perspective and helps with the grief. It reminds me of the old song:

    Count your blessings, name them one by one
    Count your blessings, see what God has done.
    Count your blessings; name them one by one,
    And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

  3. momma says:

    I love you Amber

  4. Steph in Washington says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, suffered a miscarriage. It was a surprise pregnancy (our 3rd child), yet we were SO THRILLED! We had 10 days to celebrate before I miscarried. I know how you feel, sweet girl. I’ve been there. A few years later we had another surprise pregnancy. Her name is Lily. :o) While the pain of losing that baby will never go away, I promise the pain will lessen over time. Hugs and prayers of encouragement!!!

  5. Thank you all for your kind words on my blog today. They meant a lot and I was very touched by your comments. I am sorry to hear of your lost babies as well. I know that each child is precious in God’s sight, as well as his or her mother’s, even if we have them with us for only a short time.

    Yikes Kate, I don’t even want to think of my daughter driving or dating or any of those things yet!!! LOL. Thankfully, for now she is content to help me with the “addidating” as she would say (navigating). 🙂

    Thanks again for taking the time to leave me some encouragement. I have read each comment many times today and I appreciate them very much.

  6. Patty says:

    How surprised I am that I came upon your web sight. I was feeling sorry for myself (not mention lonely). My children are grown and have moved away. The Mother’s Day weekend had been brightened by the joyful greeting of my children. Yet I miss them and the grandchildren. How blessed I am to have them safe and happy. Thank you for brightening my day with such a lovely web sight. God Bless You.

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