This is a post I have started in my mind many times, but never had the time (or courage) to actually sit down and write. And even though I have composed it in my thoughts, I still don’t know where or how to start. Although the tears don’t seem to have a problem starting up as I begin. But here it goes…<\/p>\n
I haven’t fully discussed most of what I will be sharing here with anyone except for my loving and supportive husband and my two fabulous Christian psychotherapists. It is something I am still not comfortable with sharing in person; I can compose my thoughts and emotions a bit better here (I hope).<\/p>\n
The Beginning of the Depression<\/strong> With each blow, I felt myself slipping further down into a depression. By nature, I am an emotional person, but the number of tears shed were far above normal for me. Bitterness and jealousy also began to creep in as well, and I hated myself for feeling such awful feelings towards others who I love and who have shown me nothing but love, amazing patience and understanding in return.<\/p>\n Greg did his best to understand and has been extremely supportive through everything. He finally suggested that I go see a counselor to help me work through my grief and conflicting emotions. So I did. I called our church for a recommendation and began seeing a Christian couple who are trained to counsel through grief and other issues.<\/p>\n That step has made a huge difference in my life. My counselors began by helping me deal with the grief I was experiencing. They also asked me many difficult questions to help them (and me) nail down exactly what I was feeling and the deeper issues that caused it. And very importantly, they told me that I was okay<\/em> to feel the way I was feeling. I wasn’t a bad person for questioning God as to why He was allowing this to happen to me, or in my feelings of jealousy, or anything else. This helped ease a bit of the burden. But they also cautioned that I need to continue walking through<\/em> my grief and my feelings so that I wouldn’t stay stuck there forever, lost in bitterness, or lose my faith. Lots of tears were shed in their office and the emotional toll that took was exhausting, but I also found myself looking forward to the sessions and the subsequent healing that I was so longing for.<\/p>\n Dreading Christmas<\/strong> I made it through the Christmas party okay, although it was very hard. I did my best to put on a happy face and be excited for Kristy. I think it helped, in part, that this was her first child and I knew deep down that her having a child would strengthen our friendship even more since we would both then have children.<\/p>\n As for the holidays with the family, I was still a mess. Greg and I discussed taking a vacation elsewhere and my psychotherapists were on board for this idea too (with the reminder that I still would have to face my fears eventually, but that if I needed time, then give it time). Eventually though, the guilt hit me and I realized that I really didn’t want to take away Greg and Adrianna’s time with family because I know how important it is to all of us to see our families that we all love so much. <\/p>\n So off to Kansas we went. And here, I just have to say that I have the awesomest in-laws in the whole wide world. Everyone was so patient and loving and I am especially so grateful to my sister-in-law who was so very gracious to me during our time there. Everyone avoided the whole “baby” topic while we were there, and though I felt like a royal heel about that, it really meant a lot and made the whole thing so much easier for me. <\/p>\n After we returned home, I felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I had made it through what I had been greatly fearing. The sadness was still there, but after that week in Kansas, I started noticing that healing was beginning too. I think it is due to the love and graciousness of my family and friends that allowed the bitterness to finally start lifting. <\/p>\n Seeing a Fertility Specialist<\/strong> I chose a doctor in Fort Collins at the recommendation of my sister, who had been to see him before. She said that he was very caring and considerate, which is why I made the decision to go see him even though it would be an hour’s drive to get there.<\/p>\n Our first appointment was at the beginning of February. After filling out a bunch of paperwork, we talked to the doctor about our concerns. The miscarriage, our inability to get pregnant again and how it took awhile to conceive our other pregnancies. I also had a record of all my monthly periods, the number of days late each one had been (anywhere between 2-8 days) and how they had always been a normal 28 day cycle prior to my miscarriage. He also was interested in the fact that I’d had gestational diabetes when pregnant with Adrianna. <\/p>\n Dr. Bachus said he had a hunch as to what could be causing these symptoms (with the exception of the miscarriage which I will discuss more later), and so he gave me an ultrasound right then. Sure enough, his hunch was correct.<\/p>\n
\nIn November 2007, Greg and I sadly went through an experience with a miscarriage. I grieved quite a bit over it, as one would expect, and almost a year later I thought I was done with most of the intense sorrow. But as the anniversary of the miscarriage approached in 2008, I began to experience deep grieving again. I think this was due to several different reasons. The anniversary of our loss, over a year of not being able to conceive again, my normally regular cycle was now often very late, lifting my hopes up each month only to be dashed each time, and the pregnancies of several people close to me. And the loss of a long-held expectation in how my life would be. I had always expected to have my children 2-3 years apart in age, like my siblings and I were, so they could enjoy playing together like I did with my brother and sisters growing up. We are now approaching 4 years, so that expectation is not to be realized.<\/p>\n
\nOne of the ways my depression really took hold of me was my absolute dread of Christmas time. I was invited to attend a Christmas party with my best friend since her husband was out of the country. Kristy was pregnant with her first child. I also knew that I would be seeing my sister-in-law over the holidays and she was pregnant with her second child. Both of these events really gripped me with fear.<\/p>\n
\nAlong with my grief counseling, my psychotherapists strongly encouraged me to see a fertility specialist. They knew that the “not knowing” part of why we had a miscarriage and hadn’t gotten pregnant since also had a lot to do with my depression. I was hesitant at first. I had brought up my concerns that we hadn’t gotten pregnant, the fact that with our previous two pregnancies it took awhile to conceive and that my periods weren’t as regular as they were prior to the miscarriage with my regular OB\/GYN at my yearly exam, but she pretty much poo-pooed it and said it hadn’t been a year yet (at that time) and to give it time. Not the answer I was looking for. And I was afraid to go to another specialist and get the same answer. But my counselors continued to encourage me to make an appointment, so I finally did. <\/p>\n