Monthly Archives: April 2005

Fear and Faith

Now that I am a mother, I have all kinds of new fears and anxieties. The first and foremost is that of SIDS. I think the thing that scares me the most about SIDS is that the experts still do not definitively know what causes it. They have a lot of precautions you can take to reduce the chances (which I am following diligently), but I still feel that there is that slight chance. And not knowing what could cause it really makes me feel out of control and fearful that it could happen.

It is amazing how much love I feel for this little baby who, so far, really cannot reciprocate in return. I cannot quit gazing at her beautiful face. At night, I stay up much later than I should just listening to her breathe and watching her sleep. She is so precious to me. I cannot believe she is mine.

I also have a stronger desire to work on my devotional life as well. I have known for some time that it has been lacking and have wanted to fix that. Having Adrianna has really been the kick in the pants that I have needed. I have started reading my Bible again. I really want to raise her in a Christian home. One that is Christian not in word only but also in deed and example. Such a responsibility that is! I sure hope I can live up to that.

Below are some verses that I have found comfort in this past week as I worry over things out of my control.

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Be gracious to me and hear my prayer…
But know that the LORD has set apart the godly man for Himself; The LORD hears when I call to Him.
Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust in the LORD.
Many are saying, ‘Who will show us any good?’ Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O LORD!
You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety.

Psalm 4:1-8

Brand new life

Wow – it has been a week already since my last posting. And what a week it has been! Our lives are forever changed. I am afraid I have so much to write about that this will be the longest posting ever.

Labor
We went in on the evening of Tuesday, April 19th, to have labor induced. My parents came that evening to stay at our house and take care of Chloe, Molly, and Petey for us. Then we were off to the hospital. As you can see from the picture below, I was pretty stoked to finally get the show on the road.
On our way to the hospital

Once we got to the hospital, the first step of induction was to get an iv hooked up. Unfortunately after a couple very painful attempts, the nurse was unable to get the iv inserted into my veins. So she went and got the anesthesiologist. He also had to attempt several times, in both my wrist and in the back of my hand. Getting an iv inserted is really painful! They finally got it in the back of my hand, which meant limited movement for that hand.

After that, they inserted some type of gel into my cervix, which softens it and helps bring about contractions. It did the trick; by the second installation of the gel the following morning (Wednesday) I was having pretty hefty contractions. I also began to have quite a bit of back pain. I got up and walked the halls for awhile to help with some of the pressure and also to let gravity help move things along (thanks Aunt Kay for great advice! ๐Ÿ™‚ ) until I just couldn’t take it anymore and became too lightheaded to continue. Nurse Fran then suggested that I sit upright in a rocker chair rather than lay back in bed. That also helped relieve some of the back pain as well.

After awhile though, the back pain became unbearable. It wasn’t just during the contractions; it was constant, and I hadn’t had any pain medication up to this point. I couldn’t get comfortable and couldn’t stop crying. I called the nurse and asked if I could get my epidural. Unfortunately the anesthesiologist was in surgery right then so I had to sweat and cry it out for awhile. Greg was great; he did everything he could to help me through it. Then, the anesthesiologist came and gave me the blessed epidural. (Incidentally, getting it put into place was way less painful then getting the iv in my hand put into place.) I just cannot sing enough praises for the epidural. Once it took effect, the pain was gone and I was able to “enjoy” the next part of my labor. Why any woman would choose to give birth the “natural” way without an epidural is beyond my scope of thinking.

Delivery
Once I got my epidural and also a very minimal dose of pitocin, things began to get underway pretty quickly. At about 6:00 p.m., active labor began and it was time to start pushing. By this time, I really could not feel the contractions. My doctor said that I might have to lower my epidural dose so I could feel them and be able to push effectively, but that she would let me try a few pushes first to see if that would be necessary. Well, that was all the motivation I needed! We relied on the monitor to help us know when a contraction was starting and I was able to prove myself worthy of pushing without having to actually feel the contractions. Whew-what a relief that was!

Greg was my labor and delivery coach and he did a fantastic job. He helped hold up one of my legs for each push and also counted to 10 to help me concentrate on pushing, four times for each contraction. I focused intently on his counting and it really helped me aim for the best push possible. He was also very encouraging and comforting. Nurse Nancy brought in a mirror for me so I could see the progress being made. That was pretty cool (and scary!) and did help my motivation.

When the head was about to crown, I started feeling intense pressure (well, pain really-the doctors always like to call it “pressure” when it really should be called pain) even with the epidural. I started getting a mental block at this point. One part of me didn’t want to push anymore because I knew the pain was about to intensify. The other part of me knew I needed to push as it was too late to turn back now and the sooner this baby was out, the better. And before I knew it, she was out. Sweet Relief! Well, mostly anyways. Adrianna Grace was born at 8:03 p.m. on April 20th. She weighed in at 8 pounds, 2 ounces and was 21 inches long. I did tear so I had to get stitches and the placenta still needed to be delivered. But she was placed on my belly and the reward of seeing her for the first time was just amazing. She had a major conehead from the delivery which I was concerned about, but the nurses assured me it was only temporary and thankfully it was. ๐Ÿ™‚

Adrianna Grace
Adrianna is such a beautiful baby and so alert. I am sure that as her mother I am very biased, but her grandparents and proud papa agree with me. It is so good to be home with her now. We are getting the breastfeeding thing down now, for which I am very thankful. The first couple days were pretty stressful for both Adrianna and myself. We still have not gotten into a routine and are not getting any sleep during the night (as expected), but overall Greg and I are really enjoying being parents. Parents. Wow, that is just weird to think of myself as a parent. A Mother. Responsible for such a precious child. I am forever changed.
Adrianna Grace
Adrianna recognizes my voice. When she is hungrily fussing, if I talk to her to soothe her she immediately turns towards me and opens her mouth. It is pretty rewarding that she recognizes her momma but also funny that she thinks of feeding when she hears me.

We had to take her for her checkup at the doctor’s office yesterday. She got her first vaccination. She cried so hard and held her breath for SO long when they gave her the shot. Her cries broke my heart. But she is healthy and doing well according to the doctor.

Grandparents, family, and friends
My mom and dad were able to stay with us and help us out until Sunday. What a help and blessing they were! My mom videotaped Adrianna’s birth (not the gross stuff!) and I am so glad to have that on tape. My dad also took tons of pictures for us. At home, they both cooked us meals, helped out around the house, and even mowed our lawn. I don’t know how we would have coped without them. On Friday, my sisters showed up on our doorstep as a surprise. I was so glad to see them. They also brought my niece Ebony with them so she could meet her first cousin on the Yergler side. We got to see Brian two days in a row; he visited us in the hospital and then again on Friday evening.

Shad and Lynette happened to be in town on Thursday. They were so sweet and hung out with us at the hospital on Thursday and then stopped by at our house on Friday before they headed back to Omaha. I was also really glad a couple of my friends and coworkers, Heather and Juli, stopped by on Friday before we left the hospital. I cannot honestly say that I miss work, but I do miss seeing them on a daily basis.

Sunday evening Greg’s mother and sister arrived. His dad will be coming tomorrow and they will stay with us through Saturday. It has been such a help having them here. Marilyn has been cooking healthy meals for us and she and Kristi are such a help with Adrianna as well. Greg and I are really enjoying having them here and will be sorry to see them leave.

Chloe investigates
The dogs
We were a little worried about how Adrianna would be received by Chloe and Molly. Before Adrianna came home from the hospital, a nurse gave my parents one of the little hats she had worn to bring home. My mom put it in the dogs’ kennel, and they really went to town sniffing it and investigating this new smelly thing. When we arrived home, we knew the dogs would have missed us and so we decided to give them some undivided attention from the start. We put Adrianna (in her carrier) up on the table out of the way and lavished praise and adoration onto Chloe and Molly, who in turn gladly reciprocated with much love, excitement, and kisses. We then held up each dog so that they could sniff Adrianna. They were of course very curious about this new little bundle. Chloe and Molly have both adjusted very well to Adrianna’s presence. They are still very curious about her, but they are very well behaved around her. They are also beginning to be a little protective of her as well, which is cool to see. I am so proud of my pups.
Chloe, Adrianna, Molly, and Amber

Greg
Greg is such a good father. He is so good with Adrianna and does not shy away from any task concerning her, including diaper changes. I am so excited that we are embarking on this adventure together. I love Greg so much, and it is amazing how that love and respect continues to grow as I watch him in his new role as the father of our child.
Greg and Adrianna

I am freaking out

I am totally freaking out now that the day is here. What have I gotten myself into?

I watched Birth Day on Discovery Health this morning. It was a show with normal, ordinary births. It had me totally crying (because birth is so miraculous) and scared spitless (because I am going to go through that soon) by the end. This huge baby is going to come out of there. *shudder* Not only that, but afterwards, I am going to have this real, live baby to care for. What was I thinking? I don’t know anything about babies! I don’t even hold other people’s babies.

I guess there is no turning back now. I am scheduled to go in tonight to start the induction process. I cannot believe this day is finally here. It feels like I have been pregnant for forever and a day.

I have to admit that in spite of my being completely terrified of having a baby, I am also excited to hold her in my arms. To see the face of this little being who has been kicking me for months. And as I said before, birth is such a miraculous thing. The wonders of it all – how is it that this little baby has been growing inside of me for 9 months? How amazing that she is going to be a part of myself and a part of Greg. I am so excited about that. What an experience!

I just hope she doesn’t inherit the Yergler curse of clumsiness and freak accidents. Or flat feet and long, alien toes.

Commendable Companions

Our dogs make the best companions. They are not only sweet, adorable, and lovable, but they are also great at being my shadows. Especially Molly. She follows me from room to room whenever I am home. Heaven forbid if I should ever visit the bathroom without her – I will get a little black nose pressed to the bottom of the door and be subjected to soft, pathetic whines. I am crazy about these dogs.

When I am on the computer, which is often the case in the evenings, both dogs make themselves at home in here with me as well. Molly will either lie on the bed with Chloe, on my lap, or at my feet. Chloe usually sticks to the bed. I also love that they always join me when I take a nap. As soon as I cover up with a blanket, Chloe is right there nosing her way underneath it.
Molly and Chloe

I wonder how they are going to take it when the baby gets here. I think they know something is going on.

Molly and Chloe

Still Kicking

The baby is just kicking up a storm tonight, as if to taunt me by saying “Here I am Mom. I can kick you all I want but I am not coming out!” Already she has an attitude and a mind of her own.

My cousin Laura

My cousin Laura passed away this past week. She was only a year or two older than I am. I have been debating whether or not to post anything about it, because it is just so hard to find the words to convey how sad I am over the news. I am also disappointed that I cannot make the trip back to Indiana at this time to grieve with family. But I decided to post something after all, concentrating on some fun memories that I have of her from when we were growing up.

Amber, Cindy, Laura, and Sara

I didn’t get to see Laura and her sister Sara very often, as we lived about 20 hours away. They were in Indiana; I was in Wyoming. But every year we would drive out to Indiana to visit our extended family, and Laura and Sara would be there as well. So many of my fun memories from our vacations back then include Laura and Sara. I have so many remembrances of us exploring the Yergler farm. We would drive this old tractor down to the sandhill to look for arrowheads and we also would explore the old barn. I can still smell the old, pleasant farm smells. I remember all the wild barn kittens that wouldn’t let us near them. I also remember performing acrobatics in the yard. Well, I tried anyways. I never was coordinated enough to do the cartwheels and fancy stuff that Laura and Sara did. I also recall spending the night at their house a few times – that was so much fun. One house had this awesome loft that I just loved. We would walk over to the Hunt Club and buy the best orange soda (in glass bottles) that I have ever tasted to this day.

Oh, and I cannot forget one of my most favorite memories with them – raiding Grandpa’s candy closet in the middle of the night! Laura and Sara put me up to it of course. ๐Ÿ˜‰ The way I remember it, Grandpa wasn’t supposed to have candy, so he would hide it from Grandma in his office. I am sure she knew about his secret stash though. Grandpa was always doing funny things just to get a reaction from Grandma. But either way, we felt deliciously naughty when we would raid the closet for candy in his office in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep.

Laura and Sara came out to Wyoming one year with Grandma and Grandpa, and that was a ton of fun too! We all went driving in the mountains and just ran around our house like the kids we were. Karen and Cindy would always try to tag along, much to my chagrin, because they also enjoyed Laura and Sara’s company.
Amber, Laura, Cindy, Karen, and Brian

Pampered Amber

This evening after I got off work I decided to pamper myself while waiting for Greg to get off of work. So I went and got a pedicure. Aaaahhh, that was so nice; from the massager chairs to the warm foot bath to the foot massage. And of course the final results are nice and pretty too. I was going to post a picture of my pretty toenails, but after I looked at the pic, I realized my feet look grossly fat (due to the pregnancy swelling) so I am going to spare you all the pain of looking at them after all. But at least my toenails will be all pretty for the labor and delivery, right? I also shaved my legs just in case I go into labor. That was quite a feat with this huge belly in the way. I cannot explain it without sounding silly, but I don’t want sandpaper legs when so many doctors and nurses are going to be busy down there during the delivery.

After the pedicure, I decided to go get my hair cut. I even had them shampoo it, since that always feels so good as well. I am a sucker for any type of head massage or letting someone play with my hair. I can see why my mom used to pay us kids to play with her hair when we were growing up. hehe. I will probably do the same thing to my daughter when she is older too.

PF Changs

The girls all took me out for lunch to one of my fave restaurants, PF Chang’s ,to celebrate my last day of work before maternity leave. Just one more reason as to why my coworkers are so great and why I will truly miss them. True to form, I ordered the Mongolian beef meal. I don’t think I have ever ordered anything else there ever. The Mongolian beef is SO delicious. Yum. My mouth salivates just thinking about it. I cheated on my diabetes diet by eating there, but it was oh so yummy! My fortune cookie said that something interesting was going to happen at work next week, but I guess I won’t be around to find out what that is. Oh well!

My last day of work

Today is my last day at work. As excited as I am, I am also a little sad too. But not too sad! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I will miss my coworkers and the forms development work (which I really enjoy), but I won’t miss the corporate politics and all the new ridiculous procedures that have been put into place recently. I am glad to escape those.

I had another doctor appointment this morning. All went well and the baby’s heartrate it still good. Things are still progressing towards delivery. I still am hoping to go before my scheduled induction on Tuesday. Greg mentioned to me last night though that he is hoping I won’t, because by having it “scheduled” he at least feels a little bit in control of things. I can understand that, but he doesn’t have a huge bowling ball strapped to his belly…

The end is in sight

This may be TMI for some readers, so be warned.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday. The doctor said things are coming along well and she was able to feel the baby’s head and that she was positioned well. She also then stripped my membranes, which may or may not help labor proceed a bit sooner. I am hoping that it will, but so far, no luck.

The end is in sight though. If I do not go into labor on my own by next Tuesday, April 19th (my official due date), then I have an appointment to go in that evening to be induced. I still hope I go sooner than that, but it is nice knowing that I won’t have to wait too much longer.

Dog gone

I feel horrible. Animal Control just came to pick up the 2 dogs. I checked on their website this afternoon, and they actually recommend that they be called in situations like this so that owners can find their dogs easier. They also stressed that they do everything to NOT euthanize the dogs; that their main goal is to find the owners. I sure hope so, because I sure feel pretty badly about giving them up. I really hope that they can track down their owner. Even though I did not become attached to either of the dogs during their stay here (thankfully), I still feel like I could have done more and also like I could cry. Watching the Animal Control lady put the leashes around their necks and walk them away just broke my heart. Maybe it is my being pregnant that is making me take this hard, but I just feel so sad that I gave them over to Animal Control. But yet I still think we did the right thing by taking care of them through the snowstorm as I do not think they would have survived on their own with all the snow.

Poor Shih Tzus

We called the vet’s office this morning about the two stray dogs. The vet was able to verify the dogs by their colors and tags and we found out that they are shih tzus. The vet then called the # they had on file for the two dogs, and they received an answering machine. The sad thing is that the names on the machine did not match the name they had on file as the owner of the dog and they do not have any other numbers for her. The vet left a message anyways, so I have my fingers crossed that we will still find the owner even though it is now looking doubtful. Poor dogs. I know they have to be missing their real momma and that they stressed out and lonely. The vet also confirmed our options at this point, none of them too promising:

  1. Keep the dogs and hope the owner still appears to claim them. We put a sign up in our yard on Sunday morning saying we found the dogs and no one has called yet so this does not hold out a lot of hope at this point.
  2. Take the dogs to the vet’s office. They will then have Animal Control pick them up if the owner doesn’t return the message they already left for her on that machine.
  3. Call Animal Control ourselves to have the dogs picked up.

Even though I am not crazy about the dogs, they are still dogs. It breaks my heart to think of having to turn them over to Animal Control. What I may do is turn them over to Animal Control but ask that they call me if they cannot find their owner either and then maybe I could get the dogs placed with a Shih Tzu rescue program so they could be placed into a foster home with people who love the breed.

Unexpected visitors

Some of our neighbor girls stopped by our house yesterday evening with two small, furry moplike dogs (you know the kind – they often have the name of “Muffin”) that they found wandering the greenbelt next to our house. Anyways, the girls wondered if we knew who the owners were. We didn’t, and neither did any of the other neighbors we asked either. The only tags on their collars are vet tags, but of course the vet is closed on the weekends so no help there. We decided to board them at our house, especially since we knew that Denver was expecting a big snowstorm (which, btw, has dumped over a foot of snow so far). Greg put a sign up in our yard saying we had found the dogs with our phone #, but no one has called yet. These poor dogs are stressed out; I feel bad for them and also for their owner who has got to be frantic with worry. I know I would want someone to take my dogs in if they were found wandering. Not only because of inclement weather but also due to the risk of being hit by a car. I still regret this one small terrier that I saw wandering near our house last year that I didn’t take in. The next day the poor thing was dead on the side of the road, hit by a car. Since then, this is the third time we have taken in small dogs that wandered by our house. Except the other two times we thankfully found the owners right away (or they found us) so we didn’t have overnight guests to deal with.

We have the two dogs in a kennel in our kitchen. They are relegated to the kennel because they peed on my carpet, which I was not too happy about. But at least they are indoors, warm, and have food and water. I just hope the vet can help us find their owner tomorrow, since I am due to pop with this baby anytime now.

Still waiting

Well, I went to the doctor today for my non-stress test. Greg came along just in case, because at my last appointment my doctor had said we could check and see how things are and maybe speed the process up. Unfortunately, it appears that my body is not ready though, so I was bummed about that. *sigh* I suppose I only have 11 more days to go before I am officially due, but I was really hoping to get this labor thing over with. At the same time, thinking about being in labor is quite daunting and frightening, so I was relieved at the same time. Even though I know that it is inevitable that I will need to go through it eventually, and soon!

Last night when I was still thinking that perhaps today would be the day, I was totally stressing. My house is not “ready” in that it is a bit messy since I haven’t had the energy to keep up on the housework like I should. Poor Greg has to put up with me when I have these stress fits. He finally made me stop cleaning and crying and convinced me to relax and watch a movie instead. He also played with my hair and rubbed my head, which always calms me down. My mom also offered today that she will help me put things in order when she comes down to help, and for that I am also very grateful.

Mercury

I did a stupid thing last night. Actually, it started out as a freak accident. I suppose I could blame it on the baby since it was she that got me up at 3:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom in the first place, but that really wouldn’t be fair. After waddling my way back to bed in the dark, I decided I needed a drink of water. As I put the glass back down on my bedside table, it got knocked over. In the process it broke a mercury thermometer that was also on my bedside table. Freak thing, right? Anyways, I always had heard that mercury is poisonous, but I did not realize just how bad that stuff is! I just thought it was bad if ingested, but I guess it is a LOT worse than that. I was still groggy with sleep and started sopping up the mess with kleenex when Greg all of a sudden awoke from his sleepy stupor and told me to stop. Thankfully Greg knew that mercury should not be messed with, so we drug ourselves into our computer room to see how we should clean up the now contaminated bedside table. The Environmental Protection Agency’s website soon told us what we needed to know and informed us just how dangerous mercury can be. It can become a vapor and disperse into the air and is especially dangerous for children and pregnant women. Great. So Greg spent a couple hours cleaning up the mercury that he could. We closed the door to our bedroom and the window has been open ever since. We are still deciding if we should cut out the piece of carpet next to the bed that may or may not have also been contaminated. The bedside table also still has traces of mercury on it that we cannot get rid of.

Anyways, we finally got back to bed at about 5:30 a.m., although we were displaced into our guest room. It is amazing how small our queen bed seems after getting used to our comfy king. The night also turned out to be extremely windy and blowing just the right direction to make the guest room extremely noisy. Needless to say, we didn’t get much sleep last night. Greg went to work late and I called in sick today. We will be spending tonight in our guest room as well as we continue to air out our bedroom. That isn’t too bad though; it is kinda fun staying in another room for a change. Now if only the dogs (who sleep with us) would share Greg’s side of the bed instead of mine.

Now that I know how dangerous mercury is, I will NEVER have another one of those types of thermometers in my house again. Ever.